Auburn... Let Me Try and Tell You Why They Suck... Part 2

Once again confusion reigns supreme in south Alabama. What is it about the Greater Opelika Metroplex that can cause such incertitude? Perhaps, as we will soon see, it is a lack true identity. Who are you? The plainsmen? The tigers? War Eagles? It's so hard to keep it all straight. You can blame your football team's output this year on the failed "spread eagle" offense but I would suggest the problem is much much deeper. The lack of a united fan base might just be the cause. Any given saturday you might have 75,000 rabid rednecks each screaming a different name at the team. Now these young fellows, just being who they are (long on athletic ability but short on smarts), can't seem to keep it all straight. While they might remember a coach saying something about plainsmen, war eagle, or tiger during their recruiting, in the heat of the battle it all gets very confusing and sounds like boos. Come on Aubarn, make up your mind. Your poor team needs you to put up a united front! Oh yeah... a little less of this might help as well!

Auburn... Let Me Try and Tell You Why They Suck... Part 1

The Loveliest Village on the Plains... Really?


And so begins Auburn Hate Week 2008. Easy pickins' this week. Where to start? We don't have to look very hard to see why the "spread eagle" offense didn't work out well this year for the tigers. Confusion runs rampant in south Alabama and its hard, we will see, for these folks to commit to anything.
First off, a little geography lesson. The folks outside of Opelika like to refer to their town as the "loveliest village on the plains". Now, I'm not sure where this comes from. Southeastern Alabama doesn't even make map. Its actually about 3 1/2 states east of the border of the map! The plains? Come on! You're nowhere near them. When's the last time a dust storm or tumble weed blew threw town? Seen any locusts lately? I bet not.
Get it together folks.
Honestly is the best policy. Lets go with "loveliest village in the middle of nowhere" or "loveliest village on the way to Destin".
Better yet... "Damn its humid here and we're below the gnat line".

Arkansas... The Dark Side Of The Moon

I've longed believed that Jackson, Mississippi was the actual arm pit of this great nation of ours. I mean, I have people in Jackson and the surrounding areas and I used to drive through there on a regular basis to go to my Grandmother's house in Laurel all the time. I didn't know a whole lot then and I don't claim to know a whole lot now but I would be willing to bet that in or around the greater Jackson metroplex at this very moment part of 1-55 is shut down for some sort of construction. In twenty odd years of traveling up and down that highway, I have never not been stuck in some horrendous traffic caused by about 3 and half miles of cones. I live in ATLANTA and I'm saying the Jackson, Mississippi is the actual gate to the underworld! We played a couple of games a year in Jackson when I was at Ole Miss and I can honestly say I hope I never have to go to Jackson again for a football game.
Anyway, after spending a great deal of this week reading the various blogs and message boards concerning Houston Nutt's retrun to Fayetteville, I think I can confidently say that Jackson ain't so bad! You know what else? Baton Rouge ain't so bad. I'll even go so far as to say Tuscaloosa ain't so bad. Starkville ain't so... never mind... it is that bad. No, I would have to say the pitiest of the pit, the lowest of the low, the absolute nadir of society live just on the other of the side of the river from Memphis. Thank you, Lord, that in your divine providence you chose to protect the fair city of Memphis and all points east with a large expanse of water! These people are the largest flock of gaggling neanderthals that ever walked the planet. They're mad that Houston Nutt left but had such a deep seeded hatred for the man while he was coach there. They spend every waking moment away from Walmart doing they're very best to personally and professionally destroy the man. Come on... make up your mind. They continue to pepper our fan sites with profanity laced, vile and putrid statements concerning our football program and fair university in general. They just can't get over the fact that in the great scheme of things they are... an after thought. Yes, Baton Rouge and Tuscaloosa draw more than their fair share of dirtbags each and every Saturday but be proud Fayetteville... you are the dirtiest of the dirtbags! And you BBQ sucks!

This One Is On Me...

Ok... I've had a couple of minutes now to gather my thoughts and I have to say I might have had something to do with the outcome of today's game... as a matter of fact this loss might be completely on me. During the Florida game I created, what I thought were, the correct conditions for watching an Ole Miss game. Today, however, I realized at halftime that I had not re-created said conditions. Apparently, during the Florida game I found the lucky spot on our couch. I also carried a broken piece of table from my kids' room (the lucky stick) and had my Ole Miss hat on. Today, i was distracted by the fact that we were in the midst of garage sale... before you lay into me, it ended well before kick-off... but I'll say it had me thinking of things other than the game this afternoon. Anyway, as the first half came to a close I realized that I, like the Rebels, needed to make some adjustments. I was sitting on the wrong side of the couch, I didn't have my hat and the stick was no where to be found. By the time the third quarter started I was on the other side of the couch, my hat was on my head and, whatdya know, the stick was still under the couch where it landed as I lost consciousness during the Florida game. With the universe re-aligned we saw a very different game in the second half. Turns out it might have been too little too late... So, in a very Tebowesque way, complete with quiver lip and tight chest, I tell you that no one will work harder the rest of the season to make sure I am on the right side of the couch with hat and lucky stick in hand... I want to apologize to the whole Rebel nation... No one will work harder to make sure our entire fan base will create the correct mojo to insure a trip to Memphis or at least Shreveport during the holidays. Again, I want to apologize to the entire Rebel nation. I didn't respect the mojo... what's that you say... No, the 10 points we gave them on turnovers didn't really come into play.
One other thing...

This guy, Gary Danielson, is a major douchebag. I don't think I've ever heard such butt kissing in all my life. I mean, everyone knows Tim Brando and Les Miles are (not so) secret love buddies. But who knows what goes on between Gary, John Parker and Saban? If I ever completely lose it and go on a nationwide killing spree I'm only going to shoot Brando's dog but Gary, you made the list. I hope we never play on CBS ever again!

Off Week Post... A Quick One

Just a quick hey howdy hey from the heart of the Bluegrass. We're taking advantage of the off week to come up here and watch the horses run in a circle. Its a happenin' weekend up here in Lexington. We got the Gamecocks in town for a tackle football game and last night was midnight madness for the basketball Cats. I guess its kind of like the spring game at most colleges...only here they sold out Rupp Arena to watch the basketball team practice at midnight (something about the official ncaa starting time for basketball). Anyway, there was a ruckus downtown last night. OK... we're off!

The Rebs... 24 Hours After A Crushing Loss To South Carolina

Ok... I've had about a day to deal with yesterday's game and have come up with some new insights concerning the state of affairs concerning our football team.  Hopeless is a good word to describe my feelings shortly after the game but that was when I still had the echo of the Myrtle Beach Talk Radio homers ringing in my ears.  This afternoon I had a chance to see the replay on the TV and I have to honestly say that I had my hope restored.  Yes, I am still disappointed in the outcome but now that I have had a while to process and seen the game with my own eyes all is not lost.  It seems like we lost the game in the last 4 minutes of the third quarter and the first 4 minutes of the fourth.  We played relatively well the rest of the game.  The only questions that linger now concern the absence of defense in the second half... oh, how I long for a game like Greg Hardy had last year against Alabama.  And I do wish Dexter would hold on to the ball inside the 5.  But think about this... even though he's hated like a case of the clap, Spurrier is good offensive coach.  More importantly maybe is the fact that we, put up more points on the nation's top defense than anyone else this year... more than Georgia and more than everyone's apparent SEC champ, Vandy.  

As I look at the rest of the schedule I do see at least 3 more wins in there.  I feel pretty confident in our efforts against State, Arkansas and Louisiana Monroe.  I also feel pretty confident against Aubarn, as well.  All in all, a much better place than where we've been in the past couple of years.  Call me crazy but I think we'll be playing football after Thanksgiving.

Cooler heads now prevail... Hotty Toddy!

Are There Forces Against Us?

Well, another debilitating loss has me wondering.  Did someone a long, long time ago take a little trip out to the Delta in the middle of the night?  Somewhere out in the middle of no where on Highway 61?  Did they have a little meeting with Ol' Scratch?  Has someone sold our souls' unbeknownst to us?  This is just heartbreaking now!  So, I'm left to wonder.  Have we got the mojo on us?  Please let us know!  Someone somewhere has got to have the answer.  Seriously, I'd like to know if it is spiritually impossible for us to win consistently.  I'm tired of getting all jazzed up if forces are against us.  Let us know so we can just concentrate our efforts on having a good time in the Grove.  

We have a week off to get our spiritual house in order before heading into Tuscaloosa where it is more than likely that Ol' Scratch is currently coaching.  Start Praying NOW!

Commercials... A New Low

I have often wondered who comes up with commercial we see each week as we watch our teams on the TV. Sometimes they're good and make us proud to be associated with such institutions of higher learning. Sometimes... not so good. Well, you would have thought Mississippi State's "Step Into It" commercials would have easily taken the prize as the cheesiest college commercials ever created...yes, they have a couple in the top 5 all time worst TV commercials but what else would expect from a bunch of farmers producing TeeBee adds with MS Moviemaker?
This week I give what could be the worst of the worst. I offer it to you knowing that my wife actually attended class for a few years down on the "loveliest little village on the plains"... whatever that means... so I'll probably catch hell for the next few days. This particular commercial is offensive on many fronts... to public institutions of education, families who re-unite and fly fisherman. They even to attempt to give it a little street cred by telling us it's based on a true story. I would submit that if it was truly based on factual events we would not see a float plane in a remote Alaskan mountain lake but rather some slack jawed yokel landing his crop duster in a field next to a catfish pond where he would be cane polling some stink bait or chicken livers for a mess of those slimey suckers.
Anyway, check it our for yourselves...

Auburn is Cheesey!